Lately, I have been afraid. I KNOW that God is with me (and Greysen) but why is it still so hard not to fear? When Greysen comes up to me crying and says, "Mom I'm afraid I'm gonna die", I can't help but be afraid! Of course I tell him all the things I know to be true but yet I cannot feel them. I tell him that only God knows when we will die and that I have prayed that God would allow him to live to 100 years old. I tell him that Jesus has been watching over him before he was even created. I tell him that it's a miracle he is still alive and that it's only because Jesus has been watching over him that he is here today! I know all of these things to be true but yet I cannot help but fear that God will decide to take him from me!
I've talked to several other moms that have the same fear. Anytime you put your child in the arms of a surgeon you wonder, "Will this be it? Will this be the time that something goes wrong?" I think back to when Greysen was first born, before we knew that anything was seriously wrong with him. We brought him home from the hospital and I remember being SO afraid that he would die from SIDS. I remember crying out to God, "PLEASE let me keep him forever. Please don't take him from me!" In that moment I heard that still small voice say to me, "Natalie, he is mine. I have entrusted him to you. When I am ready to take him back no amount of worry or fear will keep him here." At 3 days old I realized Greysen wasn't mine and that he belonged to God. My job was to raise him and love him and enjoy him for however long that might be. It brought me peace knowing that I had to trust God to watch out for my son because God is the only one that can see what we cannot. He knows when to intervene when we don't/can't. He watched out for Greysen for 6 years when we had no idea how sick he was. In the worlds eyes, Greysen got lucky. In my eyes, God wasn't ready to take my boy back.
When I am struggling with fear I have to remind myself that Greysen belongs to God and that God is holding him (and me)! If he chooses to take any of my children he is still the same God yesterday, today, and forever!
The bible verse I chose for myself this year couldn't be more perfect:
"fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
I am so glad that God knows me better than I know myself. I am glad he knows Greysen better than I do. In the last few months Kyle and I were left feeling like we no longer knew what to pray for our boy. It's so hard to pray when you can't see the larger picture but then I am reminded that God see's the bigger picture and I have to pray, "Lord YOUR will be done." If it were my will then God would heal Greysen:) Kyle preached a sermon called "Trust" this last Sunday (May 17th) and I was so encouraged by it. It was such a great reminder that God is in control and we have to trust him. Despite our circumstances are we putting God first? It made me realize that this is why I don't know what to pray! I have been praying for what NATALIE wants, not what God wants! My prayer should always be Lord your will be done! If God had answered our prayers for Greysen to be healed then we would have missed out on all of the blessings along this rough road:
- the lessons we've learned
- the growth of our faith in God
- the unexpected blessings of meals, money and gift cards
- the opportunity to see God caring for our needs when it seemed impossible
- using our experience to bless others
- No one is immune from hardship or circumstances that seem unfair
- Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people.
So now I leave you with the most comforting song that has been on repeat in our house;)
